A Tribute to Estrellita Karsh & Breaking the Rules
Photo of Georgia O’Keeffe by Yousuf Karsh, 1956; one of Estrellita’s many gifts to me.
I’m almost 42, and when I met Estrellita, I was 25 and she was 78.
I was lucky enough to be Katie Getchell’s executive assistant at the MFA, where I was surrounded by exceptional women. I’m speaking today representing all of Katie’s former assistants (it’s a club; we keep in touch). We all learned on Day 1 of the job that our most sacred duty was to become Estrellita’s sidekick.
I have lots of names for whom Estrellita became to me in my 12 years at the MFA and beyond. Colleague. Co-conspirator. Role model. Gal pal.
Over the last two decades, Estrellita showed me what it was like to blaze trails, enchant the masses, manifest visions, give abundantly, and live a life of stories worth telling.
But most of all, Estrellita showed me how to break the rules.
Not the important rules that keep us safe, but the limiting rules—both spoken and unspoken—that all women learn to fit in and be liked.
I want to share 3 rules Estrellita helped me break.
The first terrible rule was: If you want to be accepted—be helpful, pleasant, and keep your opinions to yourself.
Back in my 20s, I wanted to belong. I kept my head down, went out of my way to make others comfortable, and automatically agreed with everyone.
Estrellita set me straight real fast. Not so much by telling me not to be a push-over, but by showing me.
When there was a policy that contradicted her grand vision for a program, she lovingly told me we were doing it anyway. When she wanted something that wasn’t on the menu, she ordered it anyway. She was teeny-tiny but, time after time, I watched her strong-arm Very Important People to do her exact bidding…with a smile on their faces.
Estrellita showed me that it was possible to be feisty, generous, AND beloved. She modeled that having a strong point-of-view commands more respect and is way more fun than being a shrinking violet.
So, I rewrote that first “good girl” rule with a new one: We deserve to take up space and time, and charmingly claim everything we want.
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The second rule Estrellita broke was: Being an independent woman means doing everything yourself.
In the early years of my career, I thought success meant having everything under control and never asking for help.
Estrellita modeled being an independent woman, absolutely, but more importantly, she modeled being an interdependent woman, a collaborator who was fueled and strengthened by the energy of others.
I never saw Estrellita attempt to accomplish things alone. She rallied the troops, nurtured connections, and modeled how to need other people in a way that wasn’t a weakness but a superpower.
She helped me create a new rule: Gathering allies makes us powerful, impactful, and connected to something bigger.
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The third old rule Estrellita taught me to break was: In order to make the most of life, you must maximize your time.
I like to reminisce about all the mischievous ways Estrellita lured me away from my obsession with efficiency. Like on Valentine’s Day, when she gathered her gang of MFA friends in the middle of a busy work day for lunch and held court for three hours—complete with little gifts, lemon cake, storytelling, and laughter.
And then there were the phone calls. She would call me at my desk to share gossip and ensnare me in her latest plans. If I said I needed to hang up, she just…kept talking. (Maybe you can relate.) It was almost as if the busier and more distracted I acted, the longer she kept me. She’d keep me for as long as it took for me to soften, to slow down, and really be with her.
What a gift.
My last new rule is this: Time is never wasted when it comes to friends, stories, and beauty.
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Thank you, Estrellita, for leaving behind a legacy of women who inspire and uplift each other. Thank you for teaching me that life should be lived artfully, that there’s a giggling little girl inside even the most sophisticated women, and that the best friendships span generations.
But above all, thank you for helping me become a woman formidable enough to make my own rules.