How to Negotiate Between Soul Longings and Life Practicalities
The shadow of my winter beach retreat. Photo by Quinn Corte, January 2025.
In January, I went on a solo writing retreat by the ocean.
It was something I dreamed up for myself and actually made happen. I didn’t do it because I was burned out or wanted to post photos of the sunrise on Instagram. I did it because my soul was craving it.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that I feel amazing the first two weeks of January. Unstoppable, alight, alive. A new year portal opens a geyser of ideas and energy. But, usually, I stuff my raging river of magic back into my desk chair and go back to work, damming that sparkly river with responsibilities until it slows down to a meager trickle. UGH!
I dream of creating a work schedule where I get to spend the first two weeks of January in a creative writing frenzy. But, I’m not there yet. This January, I had work and family commitments.
But I didn’t give up on my longing.
I got super clear on what my soul wanted most: at least one week of uninterrupted quiet solo time to write and think, a scenic and wild location, all meals taken care of, and the sole intention to write and follow my creativity with no pressure to “produce” anything.
Then, I checked in with my brain. My social self—the “responsible” adult—had some things to say about this. Here’s what my inner grown-up needed: to start my new job that week, to be home for the weekend, to be close to home in case of emergency, and to not spend much money. Buzz kill.
It may seem like my soul’s needs and my grown-up's needs were irreconcilable. That happens a lot. Our soul dreams up something we want or need, and then our inner grown-up rains all over that parade until we give up in a puddle of self-pity.
Here’s what I’ve learned: you can negotiate between your soul and your inner grown-up. You can have your soul’s desires right now. It just takes a little bit of effort, creativity, and boundaries.
I’ve been helping coaching clients learn this skill of negotiation. Essentially, you let your inner wild child (your soul) have its say first, then you let your inner grown-up (your practical brain) respond—and then you mediate until both are content.
As you think up ways for both parties to feel safe and satisfied, you drop into your body. You keep tweaking and adjusting and asking questions until your body responds in a positive way (warmth, expansion, relaxation). When your body softens and sings, you know you’ve struck a deal.
Yes, your duties and anxieties are all very important and you have very real practical/financial/material/logistical needs. But, you also have a soul. And you’ve been trained to ignore and suppress your soul’s needs so you don’t rock the boat.
I’m begging you to rock the boat.
~
It would have been easy to give up on my longing for a retreat. Instead, I got stubborn and greedy.
I brainstormed ideas for locations, timing, and ways to keep costs down. And then I checked in with my body to see if it contracted with “no” or expanded with “yes.”
Could I somehow have a retreat at home?
No, my soul desperately needed a change of scenery and some excitement.
Could I postpone the start of my job and splurge on a paid retreat?
No, that might harm my relationship with my employer, and I needed the money.
Could I just go away for the weekend?
No, I needed to be home for family reasons.
Could I tell work I needed one day off my first week due to an existing commitment and go away for one night?
Maybe, if I could write for the majority of both days.
Maybe! There it was—an opening. One night instead of one week. Something that wouldn’t compromise work or family or budget, but would still get me what I craved most.
I found a few Airbnbs that met my criteria and messaged the hosts. “Hi, I’m doing a little writing retreat. Could you accommodate an earlier check-in and a later check-out so I have more time?”
Three people said no. Eventually, I got a yes for extended hours (for a small up-charge) in a little condo with an ocean view. Score.
But what about my desire to not cook? I decided to stop for fancy groceries on the way there and let my inner teenager pick out all her favorite snacks, fun drinks, and prepared meals.
My body rejoiced. Excitement!
Then, I had to get stubborn as hell. I had to fiercely protect those two days as sacred and inviolable. I had to say, “Sorry, I’m not available,” to anyone who requested my time or attention, including friends and work. I had to put my phone on “do not disturb” and hold firm.
Eventually, I found myself belting out Tom Petty on the way to the beach. Then I found myself surrounded by books, notebooks, candles, and peanut butter-filled pretzels as I spent hours and hours and hours writing and creating and riding out my wave of inspiration…punctuated only by dance breaks, watching the sunset and sunrise from my window, and windy walks on the frozen beach.
It was the best. And my high lasted for two whole weeks because my soul got exactly what it was craving.
Friends, I want you to get greedy with your preferences, time, energy, and life. You only get one.
Stop killing yourself to make things happen for other people. Instead, ask your soul what it craves and put your energy there. You deserve your best energy.
And lastly, stop snuffing out your own desires. 90% of the reasons you have for not doing The Thing You Want To Do are just problems to solve and requests to make. Don’t give up. Get creative.
You deserve an amazing life—so go out there and create one.
Your turn:
What is your soul craving most right now?
What does your inner grown-up say about why you can’t have it?
What are a few ideas for compromises to please both your soul and your inner grown-up?
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How to Tell the Difference Between Desire and Fear (Soul vs. Brain)